In this short interview, Bach (BA ’26) asks Prof. Doug Powers for a Buddhist approach to romantic relationships and how young people can cope with relationship anxiety.

Bach: As a young adult in my early twenties, many people my age struggle with strong emotions, particularly feeling overwhelmed by romantic feelings. A lot of energy and mental space is spent on finding a partner and being in a relationship. Do you have any suggestions for managing these intense feelings or for coping when they feel overwhelming? What advice would you give to young people who feel anxious about relationships?

Professor Doug Powers: Well, the pull of love and relationships is a very powerful biological force. It’s totally natural to have this energy, especially in your early twenties.

And the degree to which you can control that energy within yourself is the amount of freedom you have to choose to be in the mind that chooses, rather than the mind that’s reacting.

Most people are just reacting all the time to what’s arising. They’re not in control of their minds in a way that they’re actually observing what’s arising and choosing between what’s arising. It’s similar to the freedom within yourself that you can achieve when sitting in meditation or spending time in nature. In those moments, you don’t feel a draw; you don’t feel overwhelmed by romantic love. You can just be sitting there.

Obviously, we’re going to have relationships with people, and it’s a very important part of life.

But do you want to maintain a certain amount of freedom for yourself, or do you want to be constantly reacting to energies from the outside, whether it be social media or relationships?

If you want to stay free and have any sense of choice and have that feeling of being comfortable and reflective in yourself, then you have to retain that space.

Bach: So I need to maintain this space in order to not feel constantly pulled toward my partner, because then it gives me a moment where I can choose rather than react or attach? For someone in a close relationship, what might that actually look like in practice?

Professor Powers: Even in a close relationship, you have to retain the space. It’s not about not being in relationships or being unavailable. It’s about being available for people, but not letting it take over your mind. 

It’s easy to get constantly worried about what they’re doing and what’s going on with them. But rather than get into that mind, just be confident. When I want to interact with a close relationship, I will. I’ll try to compromise as much as they need in terms of time, but I’m not going to let my mind be taken over all the time by constant chatter about this or that. I keep some mental space, where I can create and maintain a certain amount of freedom. It’s a practice.

When you’re young, it can feel overwhelming. As time goes on, relationships become something you can engage with energetically and with some intensity, without being overwhelmed by them.